Crushedgirl forever – 2/1

Turns out I can spend an entire week away from Crush and still be very smitten. So smitten, in fact, that over an extended break due to ice and snow, my yearning seemed to grow. Last post, I blamed it all on the books I’m reading- due in large part to an unsatisfying personal life I’m leading.  However, a large part of the problem simply exists with my ability to focus on anything other than him for extended periods of time.

I wish I could flip the switch now and just be done with it all- I feel so consumed some days. Consumed with the jealousy and realization that whatever it is that I’m feeling is not true, right, or even rational in any sense of the word.  The longings I feel pale in comparison to the giddiness I feel when he’s around. I often find myself gazing in wide wonder- stealing glances his way, hoping for a ‘smile’. Even in its simplest form, in all its innocence from him (as a friend), it still makes my tummy jump and my pulse quicken.

While yet another birthday descends upon me this week, I can’t help but feel that I’m suffering the long maligned ‘mid-life crisis’. I am, after all, of age to have one. Yet amid all the helter skelter chaos that is my life, I know that I have a deep and real physical attraction to Crush.

I’ll say it again. I’m physically attracted to Crush.

And just saying that out loud to you is so freeing, because I can’t say it to anyone else. I hide behind the obscurity of my ‘webpage’.  I originally thought that this would all go away once I confessed; that I would be able to use this ‘therapy’ to get my life back on track.

But the realization of a true, physical attraction to Crush has flipped me upside down once again.  Because I’m really, really attracted to him. And while a lot of people can point to my life and say- ‘wow, look what all you have’, I see a void.

Or maybe I should say its devoid- devoid of physical attraction.  The kind of feeling that makes you giggly, squirmy and radiates heat inwards down to your toes and other parts. Pulse-quickening, spine-tingling, fantasy-staring attraction, the kind you read about, the kind you write about, the kind you watch movies about.

And since I’m longing for things, situations and relationships that can never be, I find that a small part of myself has reawakened.  Finding out that a part of me that I thought was dead long ago has resurfaced. Because maybe I’ve been on autopilot far too long- taking and being taken for granted.

I want it all. I deserve it all. I want stolen glances, tenderness, compassion, fire, passion that burns deep within. I want things that for years I’ve desperately missed only not to know I didn’t have them.

I’m just not sure who ‘all’ is with.  I suspect that deep in my heart I know what the answer is- I just don’t like the right answer right now. (and I’m sure God has something to do with the right answer vs. what I want- He usually does).

Because I really want him.

I want Crush.

Or at least a kiss (not affair) with him to satiate myself.

Shit.

Cr-cr-cr-crushed – 1/26

So Crush went on vacation for a week and I relaxed.  Relaxed from dressing up and being seen eating at my desk.  Turns out it was one of the busiest weeks of my life- and not just because he was gone.  Work was insane and I worked many many nights late.

So when he returned, my mood was cool. I guess because maybe I didn’t know he was leaving or know when he was coming back.  I mean, its not like he cleared it or even told me about it ahead of time. So I was disappointed and relieved, all at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Meanwhile, I’ve discovered an author that is really NOT helping me with my erotic fantasy- but at least she writes what I have sometimes envisioned for myself (except I’m really really skinny in those fantasies—don’t judge, wouldn’t you trim a few pounds too?)

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I really really missed him. Missed him so much it almost made me mad because I didn’t know he would be gone. And unlike times before when I just got sad, this confused me.  Because somehow, this crap is now truly affecting my emotional state and I’m not a fan.

So I’m just gonna go read. Gonna go read some Linda Howard and then dream at night about impossible, unachievable situations.

Yea, that will make me feel better.

Crap.

Resolute Crush – 1/12/10

First of all, Happy New Year!  May 2010 bring you everything you desire and oh so much more.   

My new year started off with a family friendly party.  That’s not to say that I wasn’t happy to be there- I was. But the highlight of my evening was when Crush text me Happy New Year sometime after midnight- not a singular text, but as part of a chain of folks.  However, that made me feel all bouncy inside, even though I mentally know that it was for a lot of people.

Since then, I’ve had a terrible bout of sickness- one that knocked me out of commission for several days.  During that time, I was taking several meds, one of which was laced with the tiniest bit of codeine.  And during those days, I had several erotic dreams. Scenes that shouldn’t even be published nor said aloud except at girls’ night out after several cocktails. But alas, my friends are scarce and don’t know what I harbor deep in my little forlorn heart.

But it begs the question- will this crush never end? 

I find that I’m sometimes feeling less than satisfied in my current relationship- but I’m basing that on a fantasy world that can’t truly exist outside of my own mind. And while I would love to be your Carrie Bradshaw- baring my soul and asking deep metaphorical questions, I can barely function most days as a normal, working mother of two.

This crush continues even though one of my resolutions was to focus more on the here and now and less on the ‘flights of fancy’.  Because in my experience, ‘fantasy’ always disappoints upon realization.

Yet I still fancy him. Still think about him. Still wonder what he’s up to when we’re not at work.

And for 3 glorious days, the dreams were so titillating, so scandalous, so laden with details that I blush at their grandeur now.

But I can’t stop thinking about them.

Or him.

Crap.

Christmas crush – 12/21

Here I am facing my second christmas in the midst of this mid-life crush crisis.  I can hardly think about being separated from him for 6 days. 6 days, that is, if he doesn’t take next week off.

Over the weekend, I visited a salon and got a nice update to my hairdo.  The entire time I was thinking- “won’t Crush be surprised?”  Turns out, not so much- he didn’t have a word to say about my new style—and can I really blame him?  Not even my own family or friends had anything to say either. Sometimes, its miserable being the wallflower instead of the rose.

I put so much energy and thought and stress into this ‘crushable state’ that I’m beginning to feel like its some kind of relationship- even though its really more of a non-relationship. I mean, we’re friends and all. Or maybe I should rephrase that- “we’re friends- and THAT’s all”.  Funny thing about that statement, it seems to be the ‘THAT’S’ which gives me such heartache.

6 long days without Crush. Most of that time will be spent on the road, traveling from one relatives house to the next- smile plastered on my face and sweet words of encouragement flowing from my mouth.

Yet, what will be foremost on my mind is Crush’s mouth.

 Crap.

Stealing crush – 12/16

Here I am, halfway into December.  This month is such a busy one for our organization that I find myself barely able to hold my head up for long- buried in deadlines and copy and all things business-related.

But I do manage to find time to steal glances at Crush- trying to remain in my stealth mode while gazing.  Its been quite cold here and he just really cuts a nice profile in a black wool pea jacket. Because the jacket really sets off his handsome features- the best part of my morning is watching him walk in- hoping for a quick smile.

Those smiles are few and far between right now- we’re all so busy with work and with the season. He doesn’t come over and chat anymore either, which just chills my core. And that’s alright- because he shouldn’t be coming over to enlist my laughter or make me smile – because he doesn’t know how I feel or what I think.

If he did, I would certainly be in trouble. On a number of levels.

Embarrassment. Shame. Guilt. Despair.

Yet, I still dream about him at night- about stolen moments and fantasy scenes right out of a novel- yearning for his attention and dreaming of the romance and novelty that has gone out of my life and my marriage.

He just walked by in that coat on his way out to lunch and I swooned.

 Stealing crush. Yep. That’s what I want for christmas.

 Crap.

Now santa is gonna stick coal in my stocking.

Crap.

Holiday crush – 11/30

I missed Crush over this long holiday weekend – missed him like had awfully realistic fantasy dreams about him. Seriously, I thought I would come un-hinged a couple of times with the way and vivacity of these dreams.  I could scarcely believe my REMs. 

Anyway, first thing this morning he comes over to visit and do the whole ‘how was your weekend thing’- I was so mesmerized by him I could hardly string together a sentence because I always have this fear that one of these days, he’s going to come over and say something akin to “hey crushedgirl” and then I will hopefully vaporize and die or transport to another dimension.

He looks so darn nice today even though that shirt is not one of my favorites, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers- can they?

Because all weekend long, I thought about him. Incessantly. Improper erotic thoughts flooding my mind and body like a tsunami.  He is my flight of fancy, the cream in the coffee- and this weekend, I felt like he could’ve been the fuzz on my peach.

This now shows just what complete idiot I truly am. I mistakenly thought I was almost over this insane crush and the 12-yr-old emotional roller coaster that goes along with it.

But now, seemingly more than ever, I want him. I want him. I want him. I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas- screaming at the top of my lungs—I want him.

Anyway.

Anyhow.

Anytime.

Shit.

Happy Thanksgiving Crush- 11/26

While I’m away at the in-laws, know that I am still thinking of you.

Crap!

Worn out crush – 11/20

I’m so long worn out from this crush that it makes my body ache. I ache for things that will never be and ache from even wasting the mental energy. Crush is still around but our work pace is so hectic that its hard to even get a smile most days- a smile that can light up my day and brighten my outlook.

With the holidays rapidly approaching, I know that I will be traveling a bit to spouses’ family and then gazing in a day dreamy state, wondering what Crush is up to. With our extraordinary workload, we’ve barely had time to say hello and even the shortest conversations have stopped. Its like we’re both living in a vacuum.

Only mine is filled with lascivious thoughts and forbidden daydreams while his is probably filled with the misadventures of the creepy gal that seems to always be glancing his way…

The wantonness with which I pursue him in my head is 2^nd only to the actual sensuality that I feel when I’m around him.

Oh crap.

(heavy sigh) crush – 11/04

I am defeated constantly by my lack of ability to forget about this man and what I think I feel- its maddening.  Because my feelings are just that- false senses of what I think I ought to feel and physical attraction based on nothing more concrete than a fantasy.

I find myself changing my clothing choices and then hoping for a furtive glance from him. The absolute insane part of that statement is followed by finding myself depressed and angry [again, no one to blame but myself] for not getting it.  it would be one thing if he was actively pursuing me and then I got pissed.  But he’s not. Nor should he. 

I’m an idiot, plain and simple.

I’m an idiot.

And yet, I want him, feel like I need him, desire him.

And he will always be out of reach.

I’m an idiot.

Oh crap.

Happy Birthday Crush – 10/29

So today marks Crush’s birthday—Happy Birthday Crush.  I wish you love, happiness, and a full life.

And while I will desire you from afar, knowing that things can never be, you still looks MIGHTY FINE today in your black stripy shirt and I’m delighted you loved your card which was wickedly funny and I hope when you use your starbucks card you’ll think of me for just a fleeting moment.

But you told me something on Monday that shook me to my core when you did it to me personally later that day.

You said “I like to smile with my eyes” over AIM then came over, bent down face to face, very close and did that to me…

I almost melted. I was weak kneed.  Thank GOODNESS you know nothing about all this.

And Crush, you can do that to me ANYTIME.

(heavy sigh)

ANYTIME.

Crap.