crush-ed March 7
March 7, 2011I’m back.
I’m stupid.
Exactly 386 days later, after my post on 2/1, I have realized that it still exists. I’m very foolish for thinking otherwise. I have kidded myself into believing that if I ignored this blog and ignored my feelings by NOT TALKING about them, then they would go away.
They haven’t.
But with time and distance comes some self-examination. I’ve tried to reflect upon the entire situation and realize that makes me feel and say “I’m a fool”; yet I still feel the same way.
My feelings have subsided quite a bit; but they’re still present. I have repressed, rebuked, and released. I have ignored and been ignorant. Yet, with everything that I’ve tried to do, I have failed miserably.
I am a failure.
The grass can’t be greener friends. I’m sure it’s all a ploy by the devil himself to make me think that. Yet I remain engrossed in daydreams that differ far from reality. I remain committed and distant at the same time. I’m talking crazy now and can’t even straighten it all out in my head. I want to give Crush up for good.
Oh, my goodness. Did I just actually type that sentence?
I want to give Crush up for good.
I don’t care anymore how incredible I think he is. Nor do I care about how attracted I am to him. I don’t want to waste another second thinking about him. I don’t want to wax poetic about him anymore. I don’t want to desire him.
I just want to live again.
I want to soak up the sun.
I want to look at him and feel nothing. I don’t want to jitter, shimmy and shake in my shoes. I don’t want to imagine that his eyes lure me with false promises. I don’t want to feel anymore, anyway, anyhow about him.
Truth be told, he’s far too noble than to worry with trash like myself.
I want to quit.
I want to quit Crush.
Crap
