crushing decisions- march 30

In a little over 36 hours, Crush has to make some big, life altering decisions about his career. He has to decide whether to go with another company who will pay him so much more- pay him what his work ethic is worth.

For this choice, he has to move. Move far away from here and from his relatively stable life. He has a choice to start fresh in a new, big city- filled with wonder, excitement, single women. I know that he’s lonely. I know he wants to experience so much- being a husband, being a father, being a great Christian man called to live and walk his faith on this earth.

I’m sick to my stomach. Literally. I knew this moment was coming- the one where he will make some tough decisions. I have been praying- praying for guidance and deliverance from my feelings for him. I know he would be fabulous at this new job- which could be the springboard for something incredible for him.

But I’m torn. Torn by the fact that I may have real feelings for him- feelings that I cannot commit to without tearing apart others.

“you have to cry without weeping, talk without speaking, scream without raising your voice…” (U2, Running to Stand Still)

I’m so conflicted that I’m in knots. I can’t speak up because it’s not my place to do so. I’m nothing more than a friend to him- he knows nothing of my true feelings. I’m having a chance to be a mother to the amazing children I always wanted. My life is nothing for him- I don’t hold the promises and riches he so truly deserves. I’m married. I’ve had children. He deserves to have all of those firsts with someone- a woman who will love him unconditionally, find him amazing in His grace. Crush deserves all those things that I can’t give him- all those amazing firsts.

So I will continue to pray. Pray for the opportunity that this is. Pray for courage and strength to find what he’s looking for. Maybe I’m being called to let him go…

Even though he’s never been mine to have.

Shit.

postscript: He has gotten an extension of 6 more days before the deadline- I don’t think it’s gonna matter much to my feelings though.