crush confidential – 4/8
April 8, 2011I had the most amazing dream last night- it was so vibrant and so real, it made my head spin. I wasn’t gorgeous, beautiful or skinny. I wasn’t anything that I am not normally.
Except that I was with Crush.
I wasn’t with him in this elicit, elusive way. It wasn’t a mist-filled fantasy full of abnormally tan, physically-toned people.
It was just us. Just as we are. Being us. Together.
Maybe you don’t understand the enormity of that statement. I wasn’t extra cute. I wasn’t extra skinny. I was me. I wasn’t seen through a filtered lens on a soap opera.
I was me. And Crush was Crush.
And we were together. Or at least it felt that way-I felt him, I felt his breath, I felt the depth of his smile. For me.
It was vibrant. I actually felt so hopeful and happy when I woke; only to find myself in my normal, everyday state.
Alone.
I’m trying so desperately to give him up. I’m praying so fervently to do the right thing.
Yet, I feel trapped in waves of desire, borne from a very innocent friendship. I don’t like feeling this way, the out of control waves crashing into me. I KNOW that it’s only a stupid dream. I don’t like these FEELINGS.
Except the goosebumps I had this morning. Or the flutter in the pit of my stomach.
I kinda miss those feelings.
I kinda like them too.
Crap.
