People, I’m telling you that there’s nothing sexier than watching a man work; especially when you’re working beside him. We fell into kind of an ebb-and-flow methodology. It was almost poetic.

Back in the real world, I continue to suffer illusions of grandeur. I realize I’m not helping my marriage. I even realize I may be harming it even more than it’s already being harmed from the outside.

Today, he came in to ask my opinion about his new clothes.  And really, it’s hard to be honest with him. Because while I sometimes want to tell him JUST WHAT I THINK, I know that’s not the right thing to do. Sometimes, I want to SCREAM IT TO HIM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS—

But then I wonder exactly what I would scream. And if I did in fact grow a pair and do it, would it come out as a scream, a whisper, or a wimper? Because in my opinion, that’s grounds for being called one of three things: crazy, desperate or delusional- and in any of those situations, do I really win at all?

Crap.

Except that I was with Crush.

I wasn’t with him in this elicit, elusive way. It wasn’t a mist-filled fantasy full of abnormally tan, physically-toned people.

It was just us. Just as we are. Being us. Together.

Maybe you don’t understand the enormity of that statement. I wasn’t extra cute. I wasn’t extra skinny. I was me. I wasn’t seen through a filtered lens on a soap opera.

I was me. And Crush was Crush.

And we were together. Or at least it felt that way-I felt him, I felt his breath, I felt the depth of his smile. For me.

It was vibrant. I actually felt so hopeful and happy when I woke; only to find myself in my normal, everyday state.

Alone.

I’m trying so desperately to give him up. I’m praying so fervently to do the right thing.

Yet, I feel trapped in waves of desire, borne from a very innocent friendship. I don’t like feeling this way, the out of control waves crashing into me. I KNOW that it’s only a stupid dream. I don’t like these FEELINGS.

Except the goosebumps I had this morning. Or the flutter in the pit of my stomach.

I kinda miss those feelings.

I kinda like them too.

Crap.

For this choice, he has to move. Move far away from here and from his relatively stable life. He has a choice to start fresh in a new, big city- filled with wonder, excitement, single women. I know that he’s lonely. I know he wants to experience so much- being a husband, being a father, being a great Christian man called to live and walk his faith on this earth.

I’m sick to my stomach. Literally. I knew this moment was coming- the one where he will make some tough decisions. I have been praying- praying for guidance and deliverance from my feelings for him. I know he would be fabulous at this new job- which could be the springboard for something incredible for him.

But I’m torn. Torn by the fact that I may have real feelings for him- feelings that I cannot commit to without tearing apart others.

“you have to cry without weeping, talk without speaking, scream without raising your voice…” (U2, Running to Stand Still)

I’m so conflicted that I’m in knots. I can’t speak up because it’s not my place to do so. I’m nothing more than a friend to him- he knows nothing of my true feelings. I’m having a chance to be a mother to the amazing children I always wanted. My life is nothing for him- I don’t hold the promises and riches he so truly deserves. I’m married. I’ve had children. He deserves to have all of those firsts with someone- a woman who will love him unconditionally, find him amazing in His grace. Crush deserves all those things that I can’t give him- all those amazing firsts.

So I will continue to pray. Pray for the opportunity that this is. Pray for courage and strength to find what he’s looking for. Maybe I’m being called to let him go…

Even though he’s never been mine to have.

Shit.

postscript: He has gotten an extension of 6 more days before the deadline- I don’t think it’s gonna matter much to my feelings though.

Yes, people, I am just that stupid right now. I am faltering in my resolve to quit Crush. I am faltering because for some reason, I still feel attracted to him- even though we have settled into an easy rhythm of true friendship.

Yes, I have found myself daydreaming about him again. I wonder what he would think of my predicament and then I laugh maniacally to myself—because he’s very noble and righteous. He would be appalled, frustrated and even feel violated by me. He would think my friendship is all a ruse.

But we are real friends.

There are just days that I feel so attracted by him like I have for years now—but I would never act on it.

Because his friendship is real and his heart is pure.

Unlike some days, when purity is the furthest thing from my mind.

Crap.

I’m stupid.

Exactly 386 days later, after my post on 2/1, I have realized that it still exists. I’m very foolish for thinking otherwise. I have kidded myself into believing that if I ignored this blog and ignored my feelings by NOT TALKING about them, then they would go away.

They haven’t.

But with time and distance comes some self-examination.  I’ve tried to reflect upon the entire situation and realize that makes me feel and say “I’m a fool”; yet I still feel the same way.

My feelings have subsided quite a bit; but they’re still present. I have repressed, rebuked, and released. I have ignored and been ignorant.  Yet, with everything that I’ve tried to do, I have failed miserably.

I am a failure.

The grass can’t be greener friends. I’m sure it’s all a ploy by the devil himself to make me think that. Yet I remain engrossed in daydreams that differ far from reality. I remain committed and distant at the same time. I’m talking crazy now and can’t even straighten it all out in my head. I want to give Crush up for good.

Oh, my goodness.  Did I just actually type that sentence?

I want to give Crush up for good.

I don’t care anymore how incredible I think he is. Nor do I care about how attracted I am to him. I don’t want to waste another second thinking about him. I don’t want to wax poetic about him anymore. I don’t want to desire him.

I just want to live again. 

I want to soak up the sun.

I want to look at him and feel nothing. I don’t want to jitter, shimmy and shake in my shoes. I don’t want to imagine that his eyes lure me with false promises. I don’t want to feel anymore, anyway, anyhow about him. 

Truth be told, he’s far too noble than to worry with trash like myself.

I want to quit.

I want to quit Crush.

Crap

They haven’t.

My own marriage remains intact. I remain committed to my spouse and committed to our vows. I’m still trying to raise Godly children that morph into Godly adults.

It’s hard.

Crush has been an amazing friend.  He’s an amazing man with the heart of a giver. I pray every night that he finds the lady to complete him.

6 months ago, I felt tested. We travelled together for work as part of a large group- to another city 1,500 miles away from home.

He was a gentleman. He was kind. He was a nice guide to me for a city I had longed to see all my life.

I was a travelling mom; wide-eyed in the big city. Did I entertain questionable thoughts? You betcha. Did I wonder about my faith? Of course I did. Did I regret that nothing, absolutely nothing HAPPENED between us on this trip.

No.

We still manage to be close friends. Because I’ve come to accept that THIS is my reality. Crush would never even consider me as a suitable candidate for him because of his core belief in the sanctity of marriage.

I’m keeping my faith intact- believing that God has something bigger planned for me and certainly, He has something bigger planned for Crush. I refuse to believe that I was born the wrong year anymore- because I wouldn’t have my fabulous children. I wouldn’t have a successful career. I wouldn’t have the amazing friends I have.

Do I still have a crush?

Maybe so.

Can I change that or live out a different life path?

Probably not.

Crap.

I wish I could flip the switch now and just be done with it all- I feel so consumed some days. Consumed with the jealousy and realization that whatever it is that I’m feeling is not true, right, or even rational in any sense of the word.  The longings I feel pale in comparison to the giddiness I feel when he’s around. I often find myself gazing in wide wonder- stealing glances his way, hoping for a ‘smile’. Even in its simplest form, in all its innocence from him (as a friend), it still makes my tummy jump and my pulse quicken.

While yet another birthday descends upon me this week, I can’t help but feel that I’m suffering the long maligned ‘mid-life crisis’. I am, after all, of age to have one. Yet amid all the helter skelter chaos that is my life, I know that I have a deep and real physical attraction to Crush.

I’ll say it again. I’m physically attracted to Crush.

And just saying that out loud to you is so freeing, because I can’t say it to anyone else. I hide behind the obscurity of my ‘webpage’.  I originally thought that this would all go away once I confessed; that I would be able to use this ‘therapy’ to get my life back on track.

But the realization of a true, physical attraction to Crush has flipped me upside down once again.  Because I’m really, really attracted to him. And while a lot of people can point to my life and say- ‘wow, look what all you have’, I see a void.

Or maybe I should say its devoid- devoid of physical attraction.  The kind of feeling that makes you giggly, squirmy and radiates heat inwards down to your toes and other parts. Pulse-quickening, spine-tingling, fantasy-staring attraction, the kind you read about, the kind you write about, the kind you watch movies about.

And since I’m longing for things, situations and relationships that can never be, I find that a small part of myself has reawakened.  Finding out that a part of me that I thought was dead long ago has resurfaced. Because maybe I’ve been on autopilot far too long- taking and being taken for granted.

I want it all. I deserve it all. I want stolen glances, tenderness, compassion, fire, passion that burns deep within. I want things that for years I’ve desperately missed only not to know I didn’t have them.

I’m just not sure who ‘all’ is with.  I suspect that deep in my heart I know what the answer is- I just don’t like the right answer right now. (and I’m sure God has something to do with the right answer vs. what I want- He usually does).

Because I really want him.

I want Crush.

Or at least a kiss (not affair) with him to satiate myself.

Shit.

So when he returned, my mood was cool. I guess because maybe I didn’t know he was leaving or know when he was coming back.  I mean, its not like he cleared it or even told me about it ahead of time. So I was disappointed and relieved, all at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Meanwhile, I’ve discovered an author that is really NOT helping me with my erotic fantasy- but at least she writes what I have sometimes envisioned for myself (except I’m really really skinny in those fantasies—don’t judge, wouldn’t you trim a few pounds too?)

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I really really missed him. Missed him so much it almost made me mad because I didn’t know he would be gone. And unlike times before when I just got sad, this confused me.  Because somehow, this crap is now truly affecting my emotional state and I’m not a fan.

So I’m just gonna go read. Gonna go read some Linda Howard and then dream at night about impossible, unachievable situations.

Yea, that will make me feel better.

Crap.

My new year started off with a family friendly party.  That’s not to say that I wasn’t happy to be there- I was. But the highlight of my evening was when Crush text me Happy New Year sometime after midnight- not a singular text, but as part of a chain of folks.  However, that made me feel all bouncy inside, even though I mentally know that it was for a lot of people.

Since then, I’ve had a terrible bout of sickness- one that knocked me out of commission for several days.  During that time, I was taking several meds, one of which was laced with the tiniest bit of codeine.  And during those days, I had several erotic dreams. Scenes that shouldn’t even be published nor said aloud except at girls’ night out after several cocktails. But alas, my friends are scarce and don’t know what I harbor deep in my little forlorn heart.

But it begs the question- will this crush never end? 

I find that I’m sometimes feeling less than satisfied in my current relationship- but I’m basing that on a fantasy world that can’t truly exist outside of my own mind. And while I would love to be your Carrie Bradshaw- baring my soul and asking deep metaphorical questions, I can barely function most days as a normal, working mother of two.

This crush continues even though one of my resolutions was to focus more on the here and now and less on the ‘flights of fancy’.  Because in my experience, ‘fantasy’ always disappoints upon realization.

Yet I still fancy him. Still think about him. Still wonder what he’s up to when we’re not at work.

And for 3 glorious days, the dreams were so titillating, so scandalous, so laden with details that I blush at their grandeur now.

But I can’t stop thinking about them.

Or him.

Crap.

Over the weekend, I visited a salon and got a nice update to my hairdo.  The entire time I was thinking- “won’t Crush be surprised?”  Turns out, not so much- he didn’t have a word to say about my new style—and can I really blame him?  Not even my own family or friends had anything to say either. Sometimes, its miserable being the wallflower instead of the rose.

I put so much energy and thought and stress into this ‘crushable state’ that I’m beginning to feel like its some kind of relationship- even though its really more of a non-relationship. I mean, we’re friends and all. Or maybe I should rephrase that- “we’re friends- and THAT’s all”.  Funny thing about that statement, it seems to be the ‘THAT’S’ which gives me such heartache.

6 long days without Crush. Most of that time will be spent on the road, traveling from one relatives house to the next- smile plastered on my face and sweet words of encouragement flowing from my mouth.

Yet, what will be foremost on my mind is Crush’s mouth.

 Crap.